Journey of Eros

If I were to be asked if I believed in ghosts, my response might offend those who believe they exist. The irony is - I dread a possible encounter with any of them.

Years ago, I was a shame to my siblings. I usually trespassed their space and privacy during the nocturnal hours. When the night was still young and everybody was up, I’d sneak to my bedroom right after supper, switch the light off and force myself to sleep even if Morpheus was wandering miles away from me. This was how I began to realize that the more effort you exert to make something happen, it has this nasty tendency to not happen at all. My fear would usually start the moment I hear my ate and kuya snore. Heart beating faster than normal, I’d try to face my fear by thinking happy moments - any moment, just like what Harry Potter does when he faces a dementor. But my dementor usually prevailed. It was always better to ignore my brother’s taunts than to not sleep the whole night.

It must be the room itself. A few meters away, a big Bangkal tree stood. Its old branches extending as if it would attack someone who might lure around its premises. Legend tells that it used to be a dwelling place of an old elf. (I wouldn’t care if it’s Dobby!) An aunt of mine told us once that she and her cousins actually saw the elf.

It could also be the menacing quiet that fills the still night. Anything could appear at the ungodly hour of the night. My imagination then was better than it is today. I couldn’t shake the idea that I’d be awakened from my slumber with the sound of kapre or a big hairy mane which has a head of a man. Or a manananggal peering at the window with its long, sticky tongue out ready to touch my skin. Or a white lady doing a catwalk just beside my bed.

I didn’t see any of those creatures. And now,  I still dread the creatures I don’t see. But I don’t believe they exist. I must be a loco.

It’s when your classmate tells you the paper is due on Friday, barely 2 days from now and you still haven’t started anything yet.

Inside the FX going home, you panic, thinking about staying up all night because you’re afraid (no you’re not grade conscious) you’ll not pass the subject. You think you need to be absent from work the next day. You ask your classmates too for clarifications about the paper (a thesis proposal) - actually "eaves-dropping" if they’re done with it. It frightens you more to learn that it’s ready for submission and you wish you wrote it long before. But you’re just good in cramming, that’s how your creativity works well so you assure yourself you can actually beat the deadline.

And you’re right! But this isn’t the time to pop the champagne. Wait till you receive the result of your paper. Just hope it’s a different kind of shock.

Jessica Zafra’s short story entitled "The Wide Open Eyes of Madness" reminds me of Gerry Alanguilan’s "Wasted." The protagonists in both stories have this ‘wasted-like’ behavior due to a love lost. They’re both mad.

Is love that really powerful? I don’t know. I haven’t fallen in love yet.

Chancy is leaving to Malaysia tomorrow. Jacqui is having a vacation in the US for two months now. Tin has been promoted as a senior analyst. Allan has resigned from his teaching post in an international school. Sheng is busy with his work. Anna and KC are busy too with their studies.

I am confused and alone. If I were a sentimental writer, I’d describe my feeling as being in the crossroad with traffic lights in every corner: green, red and yellow lights keep blinking at me.

1. There was a drizzle and some students, mostly girls, were sitting on the pavement in front of the Landbank ATM. As soon as the man snatched the receipt dispensed by the ATM, I immediately took over and excitedly inserted my card at the blinking slit. No allowance yet. With an expression that could rival a loser’s, I headed to my class. The loser’s face burnt like hell when he saw the same students in the pavement, and realized they were indeed queuing, probably waiting for several minutes for their turns!

And this loser, after realizing his grave mistake, uttered his apologies in his sincerest way, trying to convince everyone that he was not dumb. But he looked like one at that moment. Face and ears red, he repeatedly vowed to them saying sorry a gazillion times. The girls didn’t seem to mind. They might have understood the loser’s dumbness.

2. We were brainstorming for a good plot in our Spanish class in college when an interesting idea came to mind. A supressed thought needs to be blurt out. My groupmates were eager to hear my suggestion when I darted my hand to the air.

"Okay. Here’s the storyline - a girl has a suitor and the world is about to end because of a meteoride that will bump our planet. The girl is deaf… so on and so forth."

I was a timid boy in college. Rarely, almost never, spoke in front of the class. Timidity was their idea of kindness so they thought I came from the ancestry of St. Lorenzo Ruiz. My speech came as an early Christmas suprise to them. Their glued attention to me proved that. So I was confident to continue blabbering, adding ideas that would spice up the story I was bargaining and kept on pronouncing "deaf" as "dif." It was not until a brave soul tried to correct me that it’s "deaf" as in "def" and not "dif." My voice faltered, almost inaudible, but I still finished my concept.

Since I was timid and kind, I didn’t bother to explain why I pronounced it that way. It happened again when I pronounced "abono" with a hard "o." Saying sorry tao lang seemed futile to shake off the embarrassment.

No, I was present in every English class in high school so I wouldn’t miss any lesson in pronunciation. It’s just that nobody in the province cared if we pronounce the o’s and e’s the same way we use u’s and i’s. Nine for Nene and Tuyang for Toyang never matter.

3. For the past few days, I was addicted in Yahoo! Answer. You browse for questions, answer those that interest you, you get two points and if your answer is chosen as the best one, you receive 10 points. Below is one of the many I got.

What Was Your Most Embarrassing Moment?

I was aboard on a certain ferry from the province to Manila. To those who belong to the first-world countries, I’m sure this kind of sea transport doesn’t exist in your place. Anyway, this boat also transports animals and vehicles stationed at the lowest deck. Unfortunately, that deck also serves as the way out.

The boat was about to leave. The crew members were already untying the knots from the dock to release the boat. I was waiting for my friend and her ticket was with me. When the boat was about to close, I saw her running, carrying a luggage, toward the boat. I tried to get the attention of the ship crew to stop the door from hoisting up.

And here comes the climax: I was kicked by a cow when I tried to pass by toward the entrance to give my friend her ticket. Almost everyone saw that unfortunate event. I even heard some laughing. I could feel my face turned pink.

I regret the fact that I didn’t kick the cow in return.

Person who posted the question left his comment: "Wow." 

It started few weeks ago - the desire to buy a laptop. I’m finding it hard and time-consuming to rent a computer in an Internet cafe. Those highschool kids, whose study habits include DOTA and Friendster, never fail to shoo fellow renters away, myself included, with their ear-blasting speakers. And it never fails to make me wonder the gratification they’re getting from keeping their sounds high while playing and occasionally browsing some porn sites. So it’s goodbye for now to my favorite Internet cafe - Anglo, located under the LRT Pedro Gil station (a friend spelled it Pedro Hill once) But I may still be coming back every once in a while especially now that I don’t have an Internet connection yet.

Another reason of the pervent wish to have my own computer is it’s pronounced necessity in my MA. A friend thinks while I think it’s a priority, he doesn’t think so. Paperworks and reports are the main reasons I wanted to buy one. My adviser cautioned me to take 6 units since I have work. He’s afraid I couldn’t pass all subjects. But since my graduate scholarship requires at least 9 units for me to avail of the priviledges like monthly stipend and book allowance, I had to add another 3.

I began my quest on eBay.ph. A rat looking for some trash. Some deals were too good to be true, hence more chances of fraud. I never bothered to haggle to offers with poor listing descriptions and those sellers that didn’t do meet-ups. It was not until last week when my specifications were exactly met by a certain listing with a feedback score of 1. When you’re a regular buyer on eBay, you regard the feedback score valuable since it provides you an idea of the seller’s reputation. She was willing to have the item checked first before purchasing it and the price was still negotiable. The best and the cheapest deal I’ve ever found on the site for almost a month-long search! I excitedly picked my phone and let her know I was interested even though I didn’t have enough money to buy it.

Friends whom I sought help from were as pauper as me. I had no choice left but to approach a relative whom I haven’t seen for quite some time. The shock on her face was so subtle I almost didn’t notice it when she saw me at her doorstep, soaking wet from the Sunday rain and poor as a rat. She gladly lent the amount I was asking for, after a few minutes of pondering. "I’m working as a regular employee, I’m getting my allowance in two month’s time, I can give back the money if you desperately need it." The rat was happy. It was easy.

Meeting the seller was not. Doubts and fears kept me awake half the night. I even considered backing out from the transaction when I consulted a friend. He thought the price was too cheap and buying a second-hand laptop was not a good idea.

Bahala na si Batman. I was late in the meeting place. She was already there with her son. I pushed my wallet harder inside my pocket while taking furtive glances at the black bag sitting confidently on the chair beside her. I was greeted with a cheerful smile.

She said she was selling the item because she’s planning to buy a new one, now that her husband got promoted. She had no idea how the feedback works and that she just started selling on the site. She gained my trust when she said she and her husband had a terrible fight the other night and she woke up so early to fix the laptop paraphernalia. In return, I squealed a secret which makes me worry now in case she relates it to her friends and the entire country knows about it. A worried rat.
 
I didn’t feel any sense of regret or apprehensions when I handed her the payment. I thanked her a million times before they left to meet her husband waiting outside the Shangrila Mall. When I got home, I was thrilled to check the documents left in the laptop. Unfortunately, everything has been erased. There was no way for me to see how her husband looks like. She kept talking about him the whole time we met so that the image and the desire to see him was strong.

His name is Jeff and he works in a bank. A rat with a laptop can never work in a bank.

5:40am. Guadalupe. After getting off from the jeepney, I heard someone called my name. I thought I was dreaming or imagining things - which has become my habit these past few days.

It was Sheng. A college friend and classmate. She’s also going to work. In such moments where you know time is of the essence, you tend to ask relevant, important questions.

Sheng: Ba’t dito ka sumasakay?
Rai: Sa Shaw office ko. Tapos mo na Harry Potter?
Sheng: Hindi pa. Na-promote si Tin. Senior Analyst na siya.
Rai: Wow. Sige ingat. Bye.

A sudden pang of envy hit me as I crossed the street, joining the throng of people hurrying up for work. The sun was crimson red in the east. My stomach was rumbling, the sound it produced was inaudible amidst the cacophony of honking vehicles.

Tin and I were officemates. We belonged to a different team though. Hers was better - in a fair view. We were also classmates in college and she’s one of the cleverest students in class. A Harry Potter fanatic. She spoofed Harry in her grad pic complete with wand, eyeglasses and dressrobe.  The effect was Harry’s female version. Hermione with eyeglasses.

Thinking about the company where I spent almost 6 months, I could feel a sense of regret. My performance was mediocre. I was having fun. Besides, I have long accepted the truth that everything is transient. I don’t want to get stuck into something but I want some sense of permanence.

I beamed when I grabbed my phone and sent my kudos to Tin. Her promotion deserves a celebration.